The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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