I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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