i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
