The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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