dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
