literally had 100 drinks last night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm like, not good at living.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
