A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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