Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
