I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
