Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
