Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
