I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
