my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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