I think I won the penis lottery.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
