hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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