sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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