Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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