I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
