I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I understand Curling. That high.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
