I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
