i was born a porn star she said
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
