your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
