I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
