I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
