Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
