Your face is a jimmy john
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
