Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
