i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
