I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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