I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
