I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
