Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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