White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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