So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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