I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We are two peas in an std pod
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Randomize
