At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
