Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
