just tell him i said nine months
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
