I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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