The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
