Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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