I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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