Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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