let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
