This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
