im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
