"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
