i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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