I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
