just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
